The act of suspension is dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone that does not fully understand the risks involved. For more information on body suspension, visit Suspension.org.
"I've seen this body rise and turn it's gaze inward in defiance; an affront to death as it stood before me. I've seen this body imprinted by disfigurement, then name it pride. This body is an emblem. As such, I would like to leave this body as an offering."
---
As I approached the clearing I was very aware of the sound of my own foot steps. They seemed to be louder than the people just beyond the trees and the crows that had been singing- louder than my own thoughts. When you live most of your life in conversation with yourself, the absence of your mind's voice can be disturbing... or it could bring you an unfamiliar peace.
I wasn't alone though. He was with me. His role a multifaceted one as he was the only other person there. I cannot talk about my first suspension without talking about him, about Allen Falkner. At some point that name went from being the letters on a screen or piece paper, to a co-conspirator of this rebellion against unfounded limitations. Limitations which found there way into this most permeable temple I call my body. I believe this is called trust. Of course Han was there too, uncharacteristically calm. I needed it to be this way. I didn't want any voices to be louder than the one I speak to myself with; and as I let my bare feet feel the ground beneath me digging into the Earth, with that voice- I began my invocation.
"I am humbled by this past year's lesson. Being grounded gives a whole new meaning to the rise. As I have risen, I will rise once again in your honor. To this place, and this berth, I leave this body as an offering."
The hooks didn't feel like much, they felt as if a warm thread was being pulled through my skin, hard thread that left a growing heat in my back. The feel of the hooks disappeared in this heat until the ropes were pulled taught. "This doesn't feel unfamiliar" I thought and with that thought he lifted me onto my toes. I held onto him as my forehead found his for support. He allowed me to climb his torso evolving from guide to foundation. This was new. There I was, going against a predetermined notion of making this an internal exploration; of focusing on myself to conquer myself - still, I was learning about him.
He's done this before, probably thousands of times finding himself as another's guide in similar explorations, similar situations. Foundation indeed. I felt privileged. I was curled up against him with my knees on his chest, still holding onto his neck, feeling his heart beating and then disappear as my rhythm matched his. Then as I mimicked his breathing I let myself down to feel all of my weight.
"I would like to go back to the moment where I was reborn. Go back to that space that will never change as it has become sacred to me. There I met Death and bespoke of my soul. I was allowed to live. To that space I leave this body as an offering."
How do I explain this surrender?
The heat on my back grew and limited the movement of my arms until they found a resting place closest to me. I felt completely drawn in, engulfed by this heat letting it consume me and as it grew it grew beyond me as did my thoughts. This was a place completely new, here gravity did not matter. I was in flight, a speck of dust dancing for the Sun. I didn't matter. I wasn't matter, I was far away inside of myself.
I began to think of the things that I have been living without and I felt this intense need to see my Mother, to smell something, to taste something; all of these things that I had missed all year *. I realized that I missed them because I felt unworthy of them. I had taken them for granted, just as I had taken this life for granted before. I looked at myself and saw that I was also stagnant in some ways, still living with the events of last year, still not at peace, but there was a growing acceptance that I had not been aware of previously. I opened my eyes to see tears in them and I took in the beauty of the moment, the timelessness, the voices. I felt the world rush back to me and I was relieved. There was no pain, I didn't even remember when it left. I just wanted to stay in the air and see what else this body could do.
Aside from some soreness in my back, that was taken care of by some stretching, the suspension was very pleasant. Heck, it was a whole lot of fun. Allen had to attend to others and I was lucky enough to be alone with Han for a few minutes until Starr came to find me. At this point I was more open to seeing people and soon there was a nice group of them surrounding me and we were all having pleasant conversations about things I can't remember now. I knew that night would bring with it a full moon and I wanted to see it rise, but before that could happen the cold in the air got to me and once I saw that my hands were turning blue I asked Starr to bring me down. She said, "coming down is going to feel like a reverse orgasm", she was right. Touching Earth brings quietus to the immensity of the ordeal, suddenly the over-stimulation of my senses was silenced. After I shivered to the massage tables to let them massage the air out of my back I found myself in a strange mood. There were more people suspending around me and I wanted to be there, to be present.
"I ask to see this soul's expansion, to see myself deserving of this life, to be worthy of this breath and the sacrifice made by everything that sustains it and my passions. With these words I honor these endowments and I would like to leave this body as an offering."
A lot happened that weekend. I added another year to my aging. I saw myself cultivating relationships, and I witnessed some beautiful suspensions. As I watched the men take down the ropes, one of them fell in front of me making the Earth rise. I could smell it. It seemed like time stopped in that moment so that I could appreciate it infinitely. I don't know if I have ever smiled more sincerely in my life. This seemed too much like wishful thinking at the moment, like I was fooling myself into believing this and it probably had more to do with the fullness of the moon then any real change; but in the weeks since the suspension I've learned what my cat's breath smells like, what a sweaty girl about to get pierced smells like, what smoker's breath smells like, and what smells the wind coming through my window carries with itself. Funny how the pleasing smells are the last ones to present themselves. Still, my senses are coming back at a faster pace since the suspension. I don't know if it's because of some physical change or because of something else. Perhaps those feelings of not really deserving my senses, not really deserving my life, were blocking me from truly living with them. Perhaps once I could admit that to myself I deserved them once again.
"As I set my feet upon you once more I proclaim a new life.
For all that I am, for this moment in time, for the lessons etched into this skin. I offer my breath, I offer this dance, to you Mother of all; I leave this body as an offering"
Photos courtesy of Pat Pierce
Photos courtesy of Atom Moore
Special thanks to the organizers and all of the attendees at ROPBBQ 2011. Grateful to have lived this with all of you. Especially to Allen Falkner for his understanding and friendship.
Photos by Pat Pierce or Atom Moore where credited. All other photos captured by Allen Falkner and edited by me.
*On the 19th of July last year I lost my sense of smell amongst other things. I wrote about that here: http://astheserpentcreeps.blogspot.com/2010/09/not-to-smell-earth.html
