I was in the ravine again, facing the darkness and the trees while walking in the cold water that came to my ankles. I don't know if I was waiting for anything but I stood there looking at the lightning in the distance. It was intense and I could easily see the lightning bolt that kept appearing. It seemed to come closer after every time it hit the ground. I began to hear the thunder and as the lightning came closer I began to feel the Earth shaking until at last I saw it strike a tree near me sending it's pieces into the sky. As the ground shook I found myself barely able to stand and I tripped over my feet as I turned to run. I ran out of the water and into the trees feeling my feet hitting rocks. As I made it past the tree line I felt the lightning hit the ground behind me sending me forward and when I looked behind me I saw the Earth give way to an opening hole that was getting wider. I turned to run again and that's when I felt the lightning hit me on the forehead, it's brightness blinding my vision then running down my body, through my feet and into the soil.
I awoke to Phil looking at me. He had been looking at me during the last moments of my dream. The same one that would haunt me for several weeks as I could never seem to run fast enough or hide well enough to avoid being struck by lightning. I always awoke to him looking at me and all he could do was hug me and call the nurse so that I could get my painkillers that could never kill the pain entirely, especially not what was caused by the tube that was going through my side. What they did was blur reality to the point that I relived memories of my childhood that I had long forgotten, the accident, and nightmares; I couldn't tell if I was really awake or asleep and the chronology in my life disappeared.
Sometimes I would wake up to people that would bring me to smile even though they weren't smiling. I remember in those first few days when Phil finally made it to the hospital with his Brother and Father, I was laughing while the Doctor was getting ready to sew my forehead back together taking pictures of my open face with a phone; they couldn't laugh. Phil's eyes were darkened and even his Brother, who would otherwise laugh with me, couldn't even take a look at me without covering his mouth, forcing himself to hold back whatever they felt like they needed to hold back from me.
I was still empowered by a recently acquired shamelessness so I exposed my wounds for everyone to see, and the morbid teenager still within me felt that the best way to deal with everything was to enjoy it; laughing, joking, giggling- smiling their looks away. I remember Leyla and Ian standing by the door looking down at me in between dreams. Lynne Marie and Marshall's parents sitting next to me. I don't remember much of the words from my visitors but I do remember their wet eyes and wishing that I was still dreaming at Mysteria instead of feeling like a bummer. I was still in denial about the accident, like it was only a bruise that would go away soon enough so I didn't have to worry. I was still in denial of the facts.
In those first few days at the hospital I was unable to piece together the entirety of what was truly wrong with me. It seemed that everyone wanted to hide all the answers I was looking for. It took me a while to finally gather that several of my ribs were broken causing a lung to be punctured and to collapse, several of my toes were broken as was my nose, two parts of my pelvis were fractured leaving me unable to walk, there was a deep open wound on my knee that never seemed to want to stop bleeding, there were several deep gashes on my shins, then there was the rest of my face. The right side of my forehead lay open as I must have been hit there the hardest, probably causing the concussion that mercifully made me forget most of what happened during the accident. They told me that they had to keep me there to make sure that my brain stopped bleeding, evidence of which was also the blood that stayed in my right ear until I could finally bathe myself. They didn't tell me all of this at once, it came to me in pieces.
Sometimes I would wake up to people that would bring me to smile even though they weren't smiling. I remember in those first few days when Phil finally made it to the hospital with his Brother and Father, I was laughing while the Doctor was getting ready to sew my forehead back together taking pictures of my open face with a phone; they couldn't laugh. Phil's eyes were darkened and even his Brother, who would otherwise laugh with me, couldn't even take a look at me without covering his mouth, forcing himself to hold back whatever they felt like they needed to hold back from me.
I was still empowered by a recently acquired shamelessness so I exposed my wounds for everyone to see, and the morbid teenager still within me felt that the best way to deal with everything was to enjoy it; laughing, joking, giggling- smiling their looks away. I remember Leyla and Ian standing by the door looking down at me in between dreams. Lynne Marie and Marshall's parents sitting next to me. I don't remember much of the words from my visitors but I do remember their wet eyes and wishing that I was still dreaming at Mysteria instead of feeling like a bummer. I was still in denial about the accident, like it was only a bruise that would go away soon enough so I didn't have to worry. I was still in denial of the facts.
In those first few days at the hospital I was unable to piece together the entirety of what was truly wrong with me. It seemed that everyone wanted to hide all the answers I was looking for. It took me a while to finally gather that several of my ribs were broken causing a lung to be punctured and to collapse, several of my toes were broken as was my nose, two parts of my pelvis were fractured leaving me unable to walk, there was a deep open wound on my knee that never seemed to want to stop bleeding, there were several deep gashes on my shins, then there was the rest of my face. The right side of my forehead lay open as I must have been hit there the hardest, probably causing the concussion that mercifully made me forget most of what happened during the accident. They told me that they had to keep me there to make sure that my brain stopped bleeding, evidence of which was also the blood that stayed in my right ear until I could finally bathe myself. They didn't tell me all of this at once, it came to me in pieces.
***
Death makes angels of us all
and gives us wings
and gives us wings
where we had shoulders
smooth as raven's
claws
***
smooth as raven's
claws
***
Looking back at the grim reality of it all doesn't tell the whole story. The truth is that these days also provided me with some of the greatest memories of my life. Waking up to hundreds of messages wishing me well and giving me words of encouragement in so many different ways, were the only times I allowed myself to cry in the hospital. They sometimes came from unexpected people and sometimes they came from true inspiration. Some of these messages gave me closure on significant events of my life that were never resolved, events that had always seemed like unfinished business, baggage; and I was given the opportunity to feel a kind of relief that most others never encounter. Some of these messages came from people that I only knew in childhood and it made me think that I always had good people around me, no wonder I could never forget them. I never felt unloved, uncared for, or forgotten. My hospital room was being populated by beautiful flowers and stuffed animals, gifts that were sent to me by my friends at home; some of them coming full of meaning and unspoken, unwritten words that I never thought I would ever receive.
Then there was this man by my side, the man of my dreams, my partner in crime never allowing me to leave his sight. He stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital, in that same room and without complaint. It would be disparaging to say that what he was showing me was love. Love is an overused word, and generally an ambiguous one, in my opinion, when it comes to finding a partner in life; what he was showing me was a purposeful devotion. Even when he decided to cancel one of his tours to stay with me, the most important people in his life were right there behind him showing him their support. I will never forget the fact not a single objection was made about this decision, even by those that would be directly affected by it. I wasn't the only one getting encouraging messages. He would also receive them and we shared what we got with each other. Some of the messages that he got were from total strangers that only knew about his public persona, but even so they always helped us stay focused. There was only one show of negativity throughout all of this* but that was also quickly resolved by the loving words from true friends. If there was ever a doubt in my mind about whether or not I could count anyone as a true friend it was erased just like so many other bad thoughts and feelings about the accident. The accident was being transformed into a blessing.
***
Words in italics were not written by me
* It seems that a person who likes to call himself a friend of mine does not know what that entails. In an effort to give him the honesty that true friendship deserves I discouraged him from following us to Mysteria to save him from a bad experience with others. I didn't do it out of spite or out of judgment as others would gladly testify to because they were there at the moment I spoke to him. When this happened he gave me a hug and through tears thanked me for being honest with him only to find, upon my return home, that he was putting in people's mind that this happened to Marshall, Noah, and I thanks to the law of Karma. It would have been one thing if his thoughts were intended to invite contemplation because they would have only been directed at me not at people who barely know me, if they know me at all. This person's act not only proves his lack of understanding of the law of Karma, but it also shows the extremes this person will go to to get the attention that he so desperately craves. As far as I'm concerned this footnote is the last bit of energy I will ever direct at this person again as he is no longer welcome in my life, not as an act of punishment but because I will no longer allow negativity to come close to me or to the people that I truly care about. Your comment was not only ignorant but it's evident that you wished harm on us and you wanted to bring negativity into this whole situation. The law of Karma however is sending you a message. Unlike you wanted people to believe, the sequence of the events leading to and from the accident have a clear bottom line, and at the end I have found my true friends, my family, and my true loves. The rest can see it's way out. Thank you for making that last little bit clear.
