Moonlight Sonata

Rebirth by the Moon

I remember waking up and looking at trees rush past the windshield as the car sped by that place unknown to me. I know I looked at Marshall and that our eyes locked for a moment. I don't remember feeling fear and I have the strangest feeling that I must have decided to go back to sleep. I don't remember what happened next. From then on it was darkness. Life did not flash before my eyes nor did I see anything supernatural haunt me only the most natural feeling of helplessness. I couldn't move but I intuitively knew what happened and as thoughts of my Mother, Phil and Han began to flood my awakening mind I screamed. I screamed for help as loud as I could ignoring the pain that shot through my body every time I even dared to breathe. That's when I saw Marshall in the smallest bit of light that I could see in the distance as if the world were taunting me with one of those cliché images of light at the end of a tunnel. He couldn't pull me out in the position that I was in and although at first the pain that I was feeling was enough to keep me subdued an urge towards life pushed me past that pain and I forced myself out of that darkness as I let out an unrecognizable sound.

***
Farewell, now, my Sister
Up ahead there lies your road
and your conscience walks beside you
It's the best friend you'll ever know
the past is now your future
It bears witness to your soul
***

I found myself alone and in water unable to figure out if Marshall and Noah were anywhere near me or if they were alright. It was dark. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, but I forced myself to do it even if it hurt. I had to force myself to stay up and out of the cold water which already surrounded my feet. All I could hear was the sound of my breathing and any movement I dared to make. There wasn't anything else except the sound of the running water and the dark trees which surrounded me.

***

The only way to keep myself awake was thinking that I couldn't allow this to be the end, that I am my Mother's only child and I couldn't let her hurt. I thought about all of the promises Phil and I had made to each other and how I wanted to live those out so badly I began to cry. Mostly I was mad at having to confront death, talking to death asking it if this was the best that it could do. Daring it to get close to me so that I could prove once and for all that it could never have me, that it never existed. That I could do without it. I laughed at it as best as I could to show it that I was not afraid, that death was beneath this person I created and that even if it touched me I would fight for me; for life because I was not done with life. I was not yet done with my fight with life to be bothered by death. Life was a much more interesting and much more beautiful challenge. I thought about Han and how I would miss his face snuggling against me every morning and how I had spent the last days that I could remember dreaming about burying my face in Phil's neck and how I was determined to smell the Earth as it is being aroused by the first touch of rain. I could not forgive myself for giving up, but the pain faded and I couldn't feel my body; all I could feel was the cold as my weak laughter turned into the sound of my chattering teeth. I couldn't keep myself up anymore and I slowly let myself into the water looking out into the darkness of the trees. All I remember from this point was the cold and how tired I was but I still forced myself to stay awake even if I couldn't stay up anymore.

***
With one wish we wake the will
within wisdom.
With one will we wish the wisdom
within waking.
Awake, wishing, willing...
***

As I was lying there in the water I saw shadows run down towards me and I tried to stare them down because there was no other way that I could defend myself but I slowly recognized uniforms. When I saw the orange emergency equipment I started crying. I felt the unbearable pain again as they started moving me but then I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I remember was arguing with doctors as they pushed a tube into my chest screaming at them because I could feel everything while the doctor ignores me and tells the others that I was anesthetized, I screamed at them arguing that it must have been topical but they pushed on as I cursed them and the world. As I was carted to a helicopter I saw another stretcher out of the corner of my eye and I screamed out for Marshall as loud as I could. I heard him respond and I began crying grateful to know that he was alive. In between dreams I remember a helicopter ride where I thought to myself, "this is so cool" but I couldn't look out the window and I had the most intense deja vu through the ride as I remembered that moment a part of me was at peace. Then I slept.

***

I don't know why I'm writing this, why I need to share it with others, but there's something that I want to remember out of all of this that I would rather forget. I'm just not sure what it is exactly at this time. The main purpose of this writing is for insight, whether it comes to me as I write or whether it comes to me from those who read it. This feels like a new beginning in many ways and that night felt like a rebirth, like I was born into this world again; bloody and cold, born in a rage and breathing for the first time.

***
The stars you see in the night sky
have been dead for centuries
and sunlight creates the illusion
of life for all these years.
Now I no longer trust these eyes of mine
the heart must speak to me
in tongues of forgotten voices
in cosmic energy.
So that I can see...

*Parts in italics were not written by me.